Friday, November 25, 2011

The 10 best and worst... Christmas/holiday songs!

So it's barely Thanksgiving and two weeks ago, an area radio station made its annual format switch to all Christmas Music. Some of it is great, some of it makes me want to change the channel, and a lot of it makes me want to vomit. Here is the best and the worst of it all. Sorry about the prevalence of funny/novelty songs, but I like a good laugh.

The Best

10. Novelty versions of "The Twelve Days of Christmas": There are many parodies of this song, and most of them are funny. First, we have John Denver & the Muppets with their version (Five... Goooold.... Riiings.... Ba dum dum dum...). Next we have Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck 12 days of Christmas (You might be a redneck if the nutcracker sounds like something you did off of a high dive!) There is also the take on this song by the McKenzie Brothers, two beer-swilling Canadians from Strange Brew. "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... beer." Or I am sure you have heard "Twelve Pains of Christmas" by Bob Rivers and Comedy Corp, which shows the more painful side of Christmas. I especially like the guy who tries to rig up the Christmas lights... "Now why the hell are they blinking?" However, the best of these has to be Straight No Chaser, an a capella group from Indiana University (supposedly the original group, now IU alums, still performs together and puts on a great show). This popular viral video from 1998 shows the group's hilarious and ingenious take on the song, which, at one point, breaks out into Toto's "Africa." If you don't laugh at this, you probably have no sense of humor.

9. "The Christmas Song (Baby Please Come Home)" by U2: I am normally not a U2 fan (although my wife is), but this is better than their usual fare, probably because they didn't write it. Bono's voice is a good fit with this song.

8. "Winter Wonderland" by the Eurythmics: A good modern spin on a classic Christmas carol, and, a far as I am concerned, Annie Lennox could sing the phone book and it would sound good.

7. "Christmas in Hollis" by Run D.M.C.: A great old-school rap about Christmas in the city. In the video, Santas sleigh with the Cadillac emblem is a nice touch. This song was immortalized in Die Hard. "This is Christmas music!" R.I.P., Jam Master Jay.

6. Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono: Radio stations play this one to death, but this is a poignant and well-written song, and the antiwar message the song conveys is timeless. This 40-year old song has aged awfully well.

5. "Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You" by Billy Squier: Don't laugh! I always enjoy listening to this awseomely cheesy and catchy Christmas rock anthem.

4. "The Nutcracker Suite" by the Brian Setzer Orchestra: I wouldn't call myself a big fan of this contemporary big band, because the band's arrangements are usually so simplistic, you can't tell it's a 21-piece band, and it seems like, frankly, a waste of musicians. Secondly, Setzer himself seems to hog all the solos. Don't get me wrong, Setzer is one of the better guitar players out there, but if there are so many other musicians in your band, let them play. Anyway, this is one of the best BSO tunes because the arrangement actually makes good use of all the band members. Also, the arrangement is jazzy but respectful to Tchaikovsky's original. At about 7 minutes it is neither too short nor too long. And Setzer only hogs a few of the solos.

3. "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" By Bing Crosby and David Bowie: An interesting combination of old and new that is very touching and well-performed. David Bowie's counterpoint to Bing Crosby's deeper voice works perfectly here.

2. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band: Literally dozens of artists have covered this familiar tune, but this is the best. This hard driving rock version of the song has the distinctive sound of the E Street Band, and is a blast to listen to. The highlight of the song is when the late, great Clarence Clemons (one of the three most important people in the world) starts to Ho, ho, ho, and the Boss starts cracking up while he's singing.

1. "Do They Know It's Christmas" by Band Aid: This was a supergroup of a lot of great musicians from across the pond, and was formed to raise money for starving families in Ethiopia. Keep in mind that this was released months before "We Are the World," which did the same thing Stateside, but with American musicians and a dumb song. This tune, on the other hand, is beautifully written and well-performed, and it sends a poignant message to keep in mind that there are people in the world that are suffering and starving while we eat, drink and be merry.

Now for the fun part... The 10 worst!

10. Old timey holiday songs: YAWN! The stations playing holiday-themed music around the clock don't seem to be in touch with the times and are playing way too much obsolete, outdated music from squares like Perry Como, Gene Autry and Johnny Mathis. Most fans of these crooners are dead, and it's time to play more contemporary arrangements and songs on the radio. I'm not saying all old music is bad... Deano's version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" isn't bad, and I like Elvis' "Blue Christmas."

9. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney: John Lennon made a great Christmas song, but it's a swing and a miss for his ex-Beatles bandmate. The silly lyrics and outdated synthesizer leave me scratching my head as to why this song still gets so much radio airplay.

8. "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses: It's boring. It's repetitive. It's sung poorly. The lyrics, about a girl who is lacking in Christmas spirit until she meets the man of her dreams, are inane. Need I say more?

7. "Christmastime" by the Smashing Pumpkins: I don't know what's worse here- the nervewracking melody or Billy Corgan's whiny voice.

6. "Last Christmas" by Wham!: I usually don't mind George Michael. I think "Faith" is a great song, and even "Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go" is catchy in its own way. This synthesized nightmare, however, is poorly written and the lyrics are hilariously awful. It's still not as bad as the "Wham Rap."

5. "Christmas Conga" by Cyndi Lauper: Seriously? Truly the worst of the '80s.

4. Any Christmas carol sung by barking dogs or meowing cats. Whose idea was this, anyway?

3. Anything by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra: Someone came up with the horrible idea of combining heavy metal with Christmas carols, and voila! You have a musical abortion called the TSO. Walter Murphy tried a similar approach with disco and classical in the 1970s with the abominable "A Fifth of Beethoven," and that didn't work either. (However, Murphy has redeemed himself by writing the score for "Family Guy.") Nevertheless, gullible people still buy the TSO's albums, and their concerts still sell out. Many people say they like the pyrotechnics, which, as far as I am concerned, is a way to divert attention from the sheer awfulness of the actual music. Can it get any worse than this? Yes, as a matter of fact, it can.

2. Anything by Mannheim Steamroller: Here's an even better idea: Let's take Christmas music, and make it into boring, pretentious, self-indulgent New Agey dreck! This group's albums also sell, probably because people need a cure for insomnia. Can it get even worse than this? You bet!

1. Any Christmas song by Kenny G: (no links posted deliberately! no one should be subjected to this!) The world's most annoying, overplayed and overpaid musician ruined real jazz for everyone by helping to create the "soft jazz" genre. Pat Metheny, who I am not a particular fan of, hit the nail on the head when he called Mr. G.'s music "dumbed down and f---ed up." When he unleashed his musical butcher knife on Christmas classics, the result is as horrible as you would expect.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

The 10 greatest... Movie action scenes!

I am an action movie junkie! Action is my favorite genre. I appreciate a good movie with a good script as much as the next person, but I am just as happy seeing a brainless action movie that forgets some of the finer points of moviemaking such as character development and a coherent plot. Granted, there are some action flicks with great scripts (Die Hard, Face/Off), but we all know that many of them are simply pointless fun (the entire Jerry Bruckheimer catalog). Here are what I think are the greatest action sequences in movie history. What makes a great action sequence? For the most part, it is great directing and great editing. It has to keep the viewer's attention, and be paced well. It can't just be a sequence of quick cuts and endless explosions (this means you, Michael Bay)! Also, the scenes I have chosen depend more on great stuntwork as opposed to endless CGI (although there are exceptions on this list). That is why I didn't choose, for example, the podrace from Star Wars Episode I or anything from the Transformers movies. The D-Day invasion from Saving Private Ryan is an impeccably directed and staged sequence, but it was based on a true event in which thousands of soldiers died, so I couldn't in good conscience include it on this list. Instead, I stuck to films in which the primary purpose is entertainment. I think I have a good mix of old and new movies, and lots of different types of scenes. It was hard to narrow this list down to 10 scenes, so I copped out and threw 5 honorable mentions on here. Also, before you respond, fanboys, I didn't forget the Matrix movies. They are deliberately not on here because the movies are overrated garbage. Finally, if you haven't seen these movies, don't read on, because I will be spoiling the plots for all of these movies.


Honorable mentions:
Star Wars Episode I (1999): The lightsaber battle (Duel of the Fates): The podrace may not be on here, but this scene is! This sequence was one of this movie's only redeeming qualities. This two-on-one fight happens to be the best lightsaber battle in the entire Star Wars saga, mostly because of great choreography and the martial arts prowess and swordfighting ability of Ray Park (Darth Maul). Watching him swing that double-bladed lightsaber and move so quickly and effortlessly without the aid of special effects is truly a sight to see. John Williams' score and the setting, especially when each of the three adversaries are trapped between deflector shields and are separated from each other, work perfectly here. Although Liam Neeson's character buys it, the payoff at the end is great as Darth Maul meets a gruesome ending. Let's just say he had to split.

The Blues Brothers (1980): The Chicago car chase (Props to my brother here): Sorry, the video clip is just a small portion of the chase "Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers HAS been approved." Indeed. This movie cost a fortune to make back in 1980, and it shows here. This deliberately far-fetched chase through the streets of Chicago, including the Lower Wacker Drive, is best known for the amount of property destroyed. Aside from the dozens of wrecked police cars, other highlights of this unforgettable choice are the Good Ol' Boys taking a swim, and the Illinois Nazis taking a long, long fall. How did the Blues Brothers make it through all this? They're on a mission from God! This was a tough call between this climactic car chase, and the outrageous car chase inside the mall, but I went with the bigger and more garish of the chases.

Point Break (1991): The foot chase: You wouldn't think that two guys running after each other would make for a great action sequence, but this is great fun to watch. FBI agent Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) is chasing a bank robber wearing a Ronald Reagan mask, who also happens to be his surfing buddy Bodhi, played by the late, great Patrick Swayze. This chase goes through a residential neighborhood, running through backyards and even houses. Among the highlights are Keanu drop kicking an angry dog, and the iconic scene where Johnny can't bring himself to shoot Bodhi, so he empties his gun into the air. Great use of hand-held cameras to give the scene a kinetic feel without being too shaky (The now popular "shaky cam" is one of my biggest movie pet peeves). The hilarious parody/comedy "Hot Fuzz" does a great job paying tribute to this scene.

Aladdin (1992): The Cave of Wonders: (Sorry, Spanish dub was all I could find). This movie came out in the middle of Disney's animation renaissance, before everyone got tired of the Disney "formula." This is 2-D animation at its finest, and this particular scene adeptly combined 2-D with some 3-D and CGI elements, which were state of the art back in 1992. The fast-paced scene never lets up, and can hold its own with many great live action scenes. It is part of what is an overall great movie, one of Disney's finest.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991): The Aqueduct chase: The old-school T-800 Terminator (Arnold is a good guy this time), riding a Harley, rescues John Connor from the deadly T-1000 driving a big rig. Great directing, pacing and stuntwork, especially the motorcycle jump into the aqueduct. I can't get over how cool it is to watch Schwarznegger cock a shotgun with one hand. Also, when the truck explodes at the end of the scene, the movie actually explains how the truck blows up (a live wire comes in contact with spilling gasoline). One of my pet peeves in movies is how cars or trucks always seem to explode like a Ford Pinto whenever they collide with something.

And now, the actual Top 10 list:

10. Spider Man 2 (2004): The runaway elevated train: Spidey and Doc Ock are fighting on, around, in and under an NYC elevated train. At one point, Spider Man even surfs on the street between cars. Obviously a lot of CGI needs to be used here, but it is never obvious. The effects are absolutely flawless here, as they should be for the $200 million budget. The fight is dizzyingly fast, but it is choreographed and directed well so you always know what is going on. Then, Doc Ock jumps off, leaving Spider Man to stop the train before it plunges off the tracks into the river. Spider Man eventually uses his web to stop the train, and uses so much energy he ends up unconscious. The train stops and the viewers can breathe once again.

9. The Incredibles (2004): Dash chase scene: Dash and Violet are laying low and waiting for their parents until a robotic bird alerts the authorities, and the badguys in round floating vehicles with blades pursue Dash, who is able to run really, really quickly. Director Brad Bird pushes the limits of what can be done in animation, and there are several action set pieces here that are more exciting than most live-action movies. In my opinion, this is Pixar's best movie so far, and, believe me, that is saying a lot. Maybe that is why Brad Bird was chosen to direct the fourth film in the "Mission Impossible" series.

8. Casino Royale (2006): Parkour!: No invisible cars or mountain fortresses here. This unbelievably good film is a return to pure James Bond, the Bond from Ian Fleming's novels who is brutal yet vulnerable. In addition to a great character-driven screenplay and a nuanced performance by Daniel Craig in his first appearance as 007, this also boasts the best action sequence in any of the 22 "official" James Bond films (again, that's saying a lot). This free chase sequence in which 007 pursues bomb maker Mollaka through a Madagascar construction site is almost entirely done with physical effects and stuntwork, and is riveting from beginning to end, especially when they are on the cranes that are suspended over top of the site. It is also interesting to see Mollaka's and Bond's different methods of getting from place to place. For example, Mollaka jumped through a small hole in a piece of drywall, followed by Bond who literally ran right through the wall. This sequence was co-directed by famous free runner Sebastien Foucan, who played Mollaka. Finally, the hilarious parkour scene in "The Office" was inspired by this movie.

7. Back to the Future Part III (1990): The steam locomotive: (video clip is just the end of the scene) Yes, I love the Back to the Future movies, but I chose this because it has all the ingredients for a great action sequence: Great directing, great pacing and great stuntwork. In the Old West, Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) and Marty (Michael J. Fox) are trying to accelerate a steam locomotive to 88 mph, so the DeLorean time machine can return to 1985. Meanwhile, Doc is trying to climb to the DeLorean when, all of a sudden, his girlfriend Clara (Mary Steenburgen) shows up, all hell breaks loose when the boiler explodes, and lo and behold, the Hover Board saves the day! The whole sequence takes more than 15 minutes to unfold, and every second of it is suspenseful. It's impressive to see the stuntmen climbing back and forth on a speeding locomotive, the wreck at the end of the scene is a great use of miniatures, and the audience gets a good laugh when Marty returns to 1985 and crosses "Eastwood Ravine." All in all, a great way to end the trilogy.

6. North by Northwest (1959): The Crop Duster: To this day, film students analyze the pacing, editing and directing of this iconic scene from what I think is Alfred Hitchcock's best movie. The scene starts out with wide shots as Roger Thornhill (Cary Grant), an advertising executive who suffers from a case of mistaken identity, waits in the middle of the field to supposedly meet the person who he is mistaken for. Instead, a biplane buzzes him, then starts to fire automatic weapons. Again, the directing and editing here is perfect, especially the rear-projection shots of Cary Grant with the plane behind him. Also, Hitchcock made the perfect choice to go without any score here (even with the legendary Bernard Hermann working on the film), instead letting the plane's propeller and weapons fire provide all of the sound for the scene.

5. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2003): The Battle of Helm's Deep: Part 2 is here. I said I would stay away from CGI-heavy sequences, but this is so groundbreaking and executed so well I had to include it here. An army of 10,000 Uruk-Hai attacks the final stronghold for Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) and the people of Edoras. A massive battle ensues, arrows and swords fly, and Legolas (Orlando Bloom) surfs on his shield. It looks like it's all over until Gandalf (Ian McKellen) shows up with reinforcements, sending the Uruk-Hai fleeing. WETA, a special effects company from New Zealand manages to outdo ILM (George Lucas' widely used and award-willing special effects house) with this scene, using a program that animates 10,000 different characters, with each character moving and acting individually. This program is now used often (Joss Whedon used it in the series finale of "Buffy"). This battle has to be seen to be believed, and it needs to be experienced on the big screen. I envy the people who got to see the extended edition in theaters on June 21. Also, great stuntwork is put to good use. This was one of many mind-blowing scenes in this already classic trilogy. Hopefully the upcoming movies based on "The Hobbit" will be just as good.

4. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984): The Mine Cart Chase: Talk about scenes that don't let up. This is the cinematic equivalent of a roller coaster ride. Indy (Harrison Ford), Shorty and that annoying woman who Spielberg married are hurtling down a twisty, hilly track, and are trying to outrun the Thuggee guards. The cart almost flies off the track, goes over a jump, and when they finally bring the cart to a stop, a deluge of water almost drowns our heroes. This sequence, like the original Indiana Jones trilogy (I won't even talk about that abomination that "Crystal Skull" was), is a nonstop ride that doesn't seem to end.

3. Star Wars Episode IV (1977): The Battle of Yavin: Part 2 is here. I have watched this movie countless times as a child and an adult. This legendary film was the beginning of my love affair with movies. I pretty much have this entire movie memorized. The climactic scene in which rebel fighters maneuver a trench to fire a torpedo into the Death Star is still exciting to watch, even after the 300th time. The idea of staging this battle in the style of a military dogfight is perfect, and the editing and pacing are impeccable. People had never seen anything like this in 1977 and were absolutely blown away by the images and effects they were watching, and this movie ushered in the era of the special-effects blockbuster which still continues to this day. A lot of purists may disagree with me, but I prefer the 1997 CGI-enhanced special edition of this battle, because you get a better idea of what is going on, and I love that shot as the camera circles around the front of the lead X-wing fighter before the battle begins.

2. The French Connection (1974): The Elevated Train/Car Chase: This legendary scene, in which Popeye Doyle (Gene Hackman) pursues an elevated train in his car works so well because it seems real and not the least bit far-fetched. The stuntwork is unbelievable, and the use of point of view shots (which were filmed by director William Friedkin from the back seat of the car wrapped in a mattress for safety) and the "bumper cam" which showed the chase from low-angle shots which gave an even better sense of how fast the chase actually was. Also, the film crew didn't close off the area before the chase, so actual car and pedestrian traffic was passing through the area, so some of the near misses you see in the movie are actually near misses, and as you will see with the info from the video clip, two unscripted crashes happened.

1. Bullitt (1968): The Car Chase: Simply the greatest ever. I am a car guy, so this was a no-brainer to put the ultimate movie car chase on the top of my list. SFPD detective Frank Bullitt in his Highland Green '68 Mustang pursues a black Dodge Charger R/T. I call this the greatest action scene ever because this chase has it all: Squealing, smoking tires, cars catching air, the real sound of engines revving (no post-production sound looping here), the iconic San Francisco setting, and flying hubcaps (accidental, but the were kept in the film because they looked great), and, last but not least, the King of Cool himself, Steve McQueen. The cars in this chase reached speeds of up to 110 mph, and, simply put, this is some of the best driving I have ever seen. The point of view shots are very effective here as the cars go up and down San Francisco's hilly streets. This movie won an Academy Award for editing, likely because of how well put together this 10-minute scene is. This scene may be more than 40 years old, but it still sets the standard for movie car chases and all action scenes.

Well, that does it. I have probably forgotten something here, so please respond if you have anything to add (unless you are a Matrix fanboy).